do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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