The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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