i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
