I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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