i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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