Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
