from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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