if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
