that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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