i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
