I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
home. puking in laundry basket.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
