I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
