If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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