there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
handjob tips. give me some.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize