So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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