I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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