Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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