It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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