Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Randomize
