Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
