i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
