i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
nutella sex= disaster
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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