He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
