I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
