It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
