The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
