Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize