6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
