he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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