They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
