you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
