I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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