I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's blow job season.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
