The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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