Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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