There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
