I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
