How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i already hear my dad disowning me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
