you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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