Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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