I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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