I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sober January is a disaster.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
