were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize