I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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