I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
