Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize