I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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