why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
MIDGETS
????
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
