we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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