it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
