Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
