All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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