Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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