her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This is my gift to your gina
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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