we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
