My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
