i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
