Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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