oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
