I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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