I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize